People who knew me well might be bored of me talking about this one Manchester-based band, GoGo Penguin. I discovered them for the first time when I was traveling in 2014, and visited a humongous music store with the tagline “No Music, No Life”. I accidentally passed by a display with a crazy piano sound by the exit. It was Garden Dog Barbeque from the album V2.0 by a band called GoGo Penguin. A very unlikely jazz name, and it was probably made by a 5 yo.
I had forgotten about the band for so long, until 2021. 2021 was the year I thought everything is going to be okay. We no longer be in isolation, we no longer need to suffocate. That’s what I thought it will be.
But on the contrary. The state of the world hasn’t progressed from 2020. The economy in Bali, where I lived at that moment, was in a devastating condition. I did feel hopeless. There’s so much I can do, but never enough.
On a personal level, I had lost my four legs best friend over my own naivete, and perhaps, lack of attention. When she’s about to die, she kindly let me know. Deep inside, I think she knew I was tired and decided to let herself go to ease me a bit. I carried her beautiful body to her graveyard with my own hand. She smelled so nice after a shower the day before. Her death put scars on me even until months later. I took it hard on myself.
Three months later, a kitten I rescued died, right next to me. She got bitten by a dog. She broke her spine, and couldn’t process food or throw her urine. We believed she couldn’t last long after. Getting her euthanasia was expensive. For five days, I let her sleep by my side. Thinking that, at least, she wouldn’t die alone. The night she died, I opened my eyes at 2 a.m for no reason. She stared at me, and with her last power, crawled from her bed, and laid next to my pillow. She died some minutes later.
For the first time, I’ve thought deeply about death. It is still hard even after believing death is a natural succession to life, as the stoic teaches us.