Courage and victory
The year 2021 is the year that gives me a roller coaster of feelings. I wanted to write about some of the themes that somewhat I learned more about that year.
Impermanence
In 2021, I had lost my four legs best friend, my very first dog in Bali, a day before my 31st birthday over my own naivete, and perhaps, lack of attention. When a dog is about to die, normally they will look for a warm and isolated place away from us. But she kindly let me know as she laid down by the gate as I came to see her. Deep inside, I think she knew I was tired and needed more time for myself. She decided to let herself go to ease me a bit. I carried her to her grave with my own hand, her beautiful body that I showered the day before. Her death put scars on me even until many months later. I did, took it hard on myself.
Three months later, a month-old kitten I rescued got bitten by a dog. She broke her spine, and couldn’t process food or throw her urine. We believed she couldn’t last long after. Getting her euthanasia was expensive. For five days, I let her sleep by my side. Thinking that, at least, she wouldn’t die alone. The night she died, I opened my eyes at 2 a.m for no reason. She stared at me, and with her last power, crawled from her bed, and laid next to my pillow. She died some minutes later.
I was attending a couple of Balinese funeral ceremonies for the first time after I arrived in Bali in 2019. The ceremonies are amazing and festive. One of the funerals I attended (and invited) was for my landlord’s daughter whom I talked with a lot during the lockdown. She had many illnesses causing her to had to stay at home most of her time. She also wished to have a child with her husband. She tried, and she prayed for it. My landlord often mentioned her in conversations. They cried for her even after her death.
That year also, for the first time, I was able to come home for my sick dad, as I normally lived so far away.
For the first time in my life, I’ve thought deeply about losing some things I really dear in life over impermanence, over immortality. These events, as I looked back, none are overtly painful to see. Impermanence is ended ceremoniously and with respect, because I honored the moment we have together, it just, unfortunately, has to end sooner than what we’ve expected because they decided to go early.
I finally understood what the stoic philosophy said about death: Death is a natural succession to life.
People who knew me well might be bored of me talking about GoGo Penguin, which I considered its own music genre. I discovered them for the first time when I visited a humongous music store with the tagline “No Music, No Life” in 2014. I accidentally passed by a display by the exit. It had a crazy piano sound. That melody was Garden Dog Barbeque from the album V2.0.
I had forgotten about the band for so long, until 2021, the year I thought everything is going to be okay and we passed by the pandemic.
But on the contrary. The state of the world hasn’t progressed from 2020. The economy in Bali, where I lived at that moment, was in a devastating condition. I did feel hopeless. There’s so much I can do, but never enough.
On a personal level, I had lost my four legs best friend over my own naivete, and perhaps, lack of attention. When she’s about to die, she kindly let me know. Deep inside, I think she knew I was tired and decided to let herself go to ease me a bit. I carried her beautiful body to her graveyard with my own hand. She smelled so nice after a shower the day before. Her death put scars on me even until months later. I took it hard on myself.
Three months later, a month-old kitten I rescued got bitten by a dog. She broke her spine, and couldn’t process food or throw her urine. We believed she couldn’t last long after. Getting her euthanasia was expensive. For five days, I let her sleep by my side. Thinking that, at least, she wouldn’t die alone. The night she died, I opened my eyes at 2 a.m for no reason. She stared at me, and with her last power, crawled from her bed, and laid next to my pillow. She died some minutes later.
For the first time in my life, I’ve thought deeply about death. I believe death is a natural succession to life.
I tried to trace back new and old music as I wanted to get myself distracted. I stumbled upon GoGo Penguin’s Petit_a from their newest EP ‘Live from Studio 2’. And that EP it was, that got me hooked with the band (yeah, for the first time since 2014).
That EP was recorded from a studio live session in Abbey Road in 2020, during the lockdown. It got seven tracks and they are all very well performed. One track in particular that touched me to the bone is Bardo.
Without even knowing the context of the music, nor the meaning of the word itself, for some reason, I knew it is about death. And so it is. Bardo is a liminal state between death and rebirth, according to the Tibetan. And, oh boy, the old man on the official clip looks like a portrait of Seneca. One of the pitiest Stoic figures.
The music is fast-paced but it wasn’t a happy tune. It was sad and desperate, but it gave me a little courage and hope aftereffect. As if I am going toward the end of the tunnel very soon.
Nothing is permanence. And so is pain. That’s basically how I felt Bardo reminded me about. I’m totally grateful that I discovered this music at the right time. I am no longer afraid.
I once tweeted, that to hear GoGo Penguin music is like feeling a victory. There’s a rewarding feeling that comes afterward. A sort of climax after a long hero journey. That climax is definitely a done deal. It’s not the kind of jazz that I want to hear in a relaxing time. It’s a kind of music I hear if I want to be transported to another universe and ultimately brought back to reality with much more courage and acceptance.
This band is probably my Alan Watts of music. I am new every time I finished listening to them (even though, sometimes, I can’t stop listening).
Recommended first-timer:
I tried to trace back new and old music as I wanted to get myself distracted. I stumbled upon GoGo Penguin’s Petit_a from their newest EP ‘Live from Studio 2’. And that EP it was, that got me hooked with the band (yeah, for the first time since 2014).
That EP was recorded from a studio live session in Abbey Road in 2020, during the lockdown. It got seven tracks and they are all very well performed. One track in particular that touched me to the bone is Bardo.
Without even knowing the context of the music, nor the meaning of the word itself, for some reason, I knew it is about death. And so it is. Bardo is a liminal state between death and rebirth, according to the Tibetan. And, oh boy, the old man on the official clip looks like a portrait of Seneca. One of the pitiest Stoic figures.
The music is fast-paced but it wasn’t a happy tune. It was sad and desperate, but it gave me a little courage and hope aftereffect. As if I am going toward the end of the tunnel very soon.
Nothing is permanence. And so is pain. That’s basically how I felt Bardo reminded me about. I’m totally grateful that I discovered this music at the right time. I am no longer afraid.
I once tweeted, that to hear GoGo Penguin music is like feeling a victory. There’s a rewarding feeling that comes afterward. A sort of climax after a long hero journey. That climax is definitely a done deal. It’s not the kind of jazz that I want to hear in a relaxing time. It’s a kind of music I hear if I want to be transported to another universe and ultimately brought back to reality with much more courage and acceptance.
This band is probably my Alan Watts of music. I am new every time I finished listening to them (even though, sometimes, I can’t stop listening).
Recommended first-timer: